Honky Tonk Woman

How’s your week going? Mine’s been pretty busy. I’ve played Nashville, (a piano duet at The Loews Hotel does count). I’ve been ordained a Minister in The Universal Life Church Monastery; $12.95 online and yes, that counts too. Oh! And I also had my house taken over by a SWAT team. I’m talking about ‘The Special Weapons and Tactics Team,’ complete with sub machine guns and sniper rifles. It’s a long story, but seeing your house on NBC after you’ve been evacuated to a safe house nearby and a parolee  is walking around your roof for five hours, well frankly, it makes you wonder if maybe early retirement to a sleepy town in the English countryside isn’t such a bad idea after all. Anyway, I saw my yard on Prime Time TV but I do so wish I hadn’t gone to sleep thinking about a way to raise my media profile. What is it they say? Careful what you ask for?

Let’s not even go there, when after five hours I still hadn’t brushed my teeth and was in my night- shirt, barefoot and eating toast in Jackie Collin’s daughter’s house. Thank you Tiffany…It got a bit surreal and very LA when your mum was on the phone. We can be as casual as you like, but she’s still an icon after all. I did think of titling this post “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”

Oh! I almost forgot to tell you that next day at LAX, coming through security we were part of an emergency drill…except they omitted to tell us it was a drill! Only in LA do you confide in a stranger about a recent stake out in your house to be advised that, ‘You might need to clean your aura.’ Anyway, a few days later I lost forty dollars in a slot machine in Vegas, which cleaned out my wallet. Also, American Airlines’ Chardonnay does wonders for one’s aura.

My first visit to Tennessee didn’t disappoint. Certainly there were some cultural adjustments to be made. In order to blend I bought a pair of Lucchese cowboy boots on the way to one of many Honky Tonk bars and en route to my third bottle of Sam Adams. When a tourist asked directions to the Grand Ole Opry. Flattered to be recognized as a local, I sent them down 2nd and Broadway with a cheery “ Y’all have a nice day.”

The food choices at The Loews Hotel Nashville are different from The Loews in LA. I always thought Hush Puppies were shoes. Turns out they’re deep fried cornbread balls. They also offer Poached Pig’s Head, Deep Fried Veal Steak, Pickled Deep Fried Chicken a Deep Fried Double-stack burger or Pork Belly Mac’ n Cheese. I settled for a BLT that was so calorie laden it’d be illegal in California.

Waking up in Vegas yesterday, looking out on a half scale replica of the Eiffel Tower, I did take a moment to worry about my aura and whether my grip on reality is a result of a fondness for Sancerre or a way of the universe telling me to stop asking for more material for the next novel.

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